drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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