just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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