Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
