just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
