Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i love accidental penises.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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