i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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