if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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