The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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