What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
