i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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