We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
