Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
