I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
