Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
