if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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