I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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