i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
