walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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