grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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