And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
