Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
