I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
