For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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