Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
