im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
