i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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