my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
