Your dad touched me again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk