i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...