Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
