I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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