1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
