How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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