remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
