we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
