I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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