Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
