i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Found the puke drawer
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
