She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
