Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
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Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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