Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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