i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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