WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
