you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
