Just fell off a train. Bad.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
