Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
