I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
