I should be sponsored by Trojan
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
