I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
