Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
