I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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