Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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