Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
