You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
