Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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