I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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